Every prospective parent has been there. It is the single most nerve-wracking decision we take on behalf of our children. With emotions flying high and the trauma of childbirth, the name of your child has to hit the spot. Some prefer to wait until the birth to see if the name ‘fits’. Others pre-empt the decision by naming the child after a parent or grandparent, whereas many just take a punt.

While I was growing up every other child seemed to be named Paul, John or Dave. This roll call was littered with a light sprinkling of Trevors, Waynes and Barrys. Sadly, all three have died a death, along with the Justins and Jasons of this world. Working class names seem to be old hat with ever more outlandish monikers being cast upon the youth of tomorrow.

With the wrong name you set your child up for a world full of blocks. I have never met a banker or musician called Trevor. Trevs usually inhabit the sphere of manual labour, plumbing or building. Wayne is usually a road worker and Barrys have a failed career in IT as they attempt in vain to move up the social class ladder, but find they are held back by the name that does little but attract mockery.

Tatler recently published their top 2017 baby names list. Many of them can be easily confused for dishes: boys have Fenston, Euripides, Gustav, Innsbruck, Mao, Ormerod, Quail, Uxorious and Yak. My favourite posh name was Wigbert. A name should be able to be shortened. Wigbert Ellis could be known as ‘Wiggers’, ‘Bert’, ‘Bertie’ or ‘posh boy’. What-oh.

The girls are even more bizarre. We have Debonair, which surely would be shortened to ‘Debs’, thus ensuring a lifetime of administrative work. Figgy and Hum also make an appearance, whereas they should pool resources and pass the name onto U2 for a retro album title. Koala pops up, as does Power which would work if your surname isn’t shower or tool.

Opal is fruity, more so than Scar, Tanys and Vervain. Those outlandish efforts will fit in well on the gymkhana circuit, via Oxbridge, but elsewhere may provoke ire.

All these names are prospective, whereas some parents have called their children Kevin Slevin, Missy Pitts and Daddy Cool. There are twins called Teddy and Bear. There was also a UK-based Gandalf, as well as Arsenal although I’m unsure if they are still in Europe.

There is a more sinister side to this naming business: Professor Helen Petrie from the University of York has studied the psychological effect of having an unusual name. She concluded that bullying was magnified and children with such names were left feeling traumatised due to being given a name that makes them stand out from the crowd.

Authorities have taken action with a number of names being ‘banned’ worldwide. It is well known that you cannot name your child ‘Hitler’ in Germany. In New Zealand, you cannot use Lucifer, Christ or Messiah. They did let a parent name her children Bus Shelter and Violence unbelievably. In, or should that be ‘at’ China there is a ‘@’, but bringing up the rear is a couple in Denmark who got away with naming their child Anus, which, to be Frank, is horribilus.