Many years ago I attempted to write a comedy book, although I’m sure many of you, after reading my column, are asking why? As for my initial literary attempt, I generally don’t talk about as it is best forgotten. To make amends, I am currently writing a ‘bestseller’ that, if published, will be available at suitable outlets, such as the bargain bin in Poundland, at the end of this year.

During my initial, failed, vanity-driven project I contacted the Campaign for Plain English. They are a less than mercenary band of bearded brothers, generally retired or aspiring to be so. To their credit, they were the only stakeholders to suss my spoof letter made up of hundreds of acronyms, and for that they have my admiration. I, like they, am appalled by the acronym and, in this knowledge, some wag recently left a ‘new acronyms’ crib sheet on my desk at work, which made me LOL.

These are commonly used in business when, in effect, it is easier to just say what you see. It puts across the impression that businesspeople, many of whom spend a disproportionate amount of time ‘working’ from home, on conferences, or enjoying liquid lunches, are so time-pushed that they need these acronyms to fulfil their daily duties and converse with others. It creates confusion, which they revel in, as others do not understand of what they speak, hence they give themselves a USP (sorry, I can’t help myself).

The list, despite my disdain, was read feverishly in order to educate myself and give me some random insults to hurl at n’er do wells around the mean streets of Hertfordshire. I recognised myself on the list as a DIMP, as many of us do, for we are ‘dual income with money problems’.

I often meet SINBADs. They are not sailors but ‘single income with no boyfriend and absolutely desperate’, which is what the originator of the acronym list must be. There exists a whole generation of WOOPIEs, of which my father is one, as they see the value of their houses, bought for tuppence in the 1960s, rise through the roof transforming these working-class people so they are now identified as ‘well-off older people’.

Due to this increase in house prices and the prevalence of new homes, not for need but for investment purposes, we often witness the struggles of LIPS - ‘low income parents supporting’. Timothy Lumsden, played by Ronnie Corbett, was a Sorry comedy character back in the day as he lived at home with his parents into middle age, but that is becoming the norm now, not the exception. After a lifetime bearing and raising kids, parents often get little respite, now living not only with sons and daughters, but their partners and offspring too as they dream of the cruise while changing nappies for a second lifetime.

Thankfully I am not a DWEM (dead white European male) although I am a proud NIMBY, as most of us are when it comes to local councils planning to concrete over our green belt in the name of prosperity, growth and the national scandal of ‘local plans’.

Obviously bored, the originator of this new wave of acronym then scrapes the bottom of the wordsmith barrel by naming SKIPPYs (school kids with purchasing power), GUPPIEs (gay urban professionals) and GRAMPIEs (grown active moneyed people in active states).

But then it hit me: The list was not a vain attempt to over-acronym the UK populace, but an attempt, very successfully one may surmise, by marketeers to fine tune, or segment, target markets in order to advertise more effectively and force us to consider buying even more of the consumerist crap they already relentlessly thrust upon us.

Got an area full of one income no kid OINKs? Then let’s hit them with dating agencies or Go Ape. Got a DINKY (dual income, no kids yet) potential punter? Let's hit them with some once in a lifetime holiday ‘experiences’ as they sure as heck won’t have the finances, or the energy, to be enjoying such pleasures once the bairn hits terra firma.

As for me, I continue to be turned off by the art of the acronym and believe my attempt at one with SERBIA (stop every really bloody irritating acronym) may leave the audience asking WIIFM before reverting to the traditional two-fingered salute with which to bid me farewell for another week.