Here we are in a lovely Bethnal Green pub. The Miserable Minute is jaded but oozing with character. No spit and sawdust but real ale, the odd gin and tonic and two crusty old chaps in the corner playing dominoes. Eric and Bernie are merry and Bernie decides he wants to play his trusty violin. 'Many a bad tune is played on an old fiddle.'grunts Eric. Bernie springs into life , opens his tatty case and strikes a pose with fiddle pointed to the sky television. A dusty air fills the air.

The new governor of the pub suddenly pushes his chest out and bellows, 'Stop that at once, it's against the law. This pub aint licensed for Regulated Entertainment under the 2003 Act, we have a sound control device and the Metropolitan Police know you were a druggy 53 years ago.I must show due diligence, kindly sit down. Go back to Eric and the dominoes.'

For the last 30 years Bernie has always made an impromptu performance on a Friday night in his local pub. Twenty minutes of fun with fiddle and quite harmless.Now he is banned, illegal and an outcast.

Is this a joke? Unfortunately it's not. This government brought in Regulated Entertainment in the 2003 Licensing Act. You can no longer play the piano in the corner of your mate's wine bar. The Licensee can be fined £20,000 and imprisoned for up to 6 months for not having the correct piece of paper. The old 'two in a bar' rule allowed up to two musos without a licence but if you have a 60 piece orchestra or even a lone fiddler the venue now has to be licensed.

A new government proposal is that all establishments with entertainment should have a sound control device that cuts you off in your prime if you play too loud. Traditionally musicians would put their coat over the sound device, as it stops their equipment being broken by a sudden cut of power. Now the Metropolitan Police want to put their coppers in and insist on knowing the details of all musicians. It's known as Form 696. 13,647 people have signed a petition proposing to scrap 696. There is also a petition asking the PM to stop plans for introducing sound control devices as a legal requirement in entertainment venues. 76,857 signatures have already been collected.

Will we be 'browned off' by Gordon yet again ? What do we need culture for ? 'Sorry, you can't play here, we know you smoked a spliff when you were twelve.'

If anybody knows a clean set of musicians besides The Osmonds, please let me know.