As you lollop around in your recently acquired, ill-fitting John Lewis PJs and wonder if 2024 will be slightly more agreeable than 2023, here is the moment none of you have been waiting for: The Brett Ellis column 2023 awards:

The ‘seriously?’ award of the year: In the long and rich history of stupid comments uttered by politicians, Suella Braverman took it to a whole new level, and then some, by claiming that homeless people, in the midst of despair and camping in a Gelert 2 man tent in the freezing cold by a railway siding near the Grand Union Canal, do so as a ‘lifestyle choice’. The most surprising aspect of this whole sorry episode however was the time it took the PM to give her the elbow, and whatever her future career prospects, it’s safe to say she won’t be employed in the PR team at CenterPoint.

2023 was the tale of two wars: Firstly, came Ukraine, who received unanimous support from the world in general before social media warriors got bored with that one and shifted their attention instead to the increasingly hostile situation in Israel and Palestine.

With that in mind, along with the climate crisis, the ‘you took your eye off the ball big time mate’ award goes to Rishi Sunak. With families desperately trying, and failing, to keep on top of crippling bills culminating in many choosing neither heating or eating, Sunak attempted to deflect attention away from the issues that affect most of us every day by laying a guilt trip on us about climate change which, in the current situation, your average Joe doesn’t give two hoots about.

The failed advertising campaign of the year award goes to Arsenal FC. The Gooners, with the peculiar ‘visit Rwanda’ messaging on their kits, managed to convince the UK government that the African state was as good a place as any to store excess migrants. Whilst wasting millions of pounds of UK taxpayers hard earned in the process, the outturn of the year shows that the number who have been relocated to Rwanda as being precisely zero.

King Charles finally took the throne, before flying to COP28 on a private jet to flex his eco muscles and inform us we are all privy to a worldwide ‘vast, frightening experiment’.

He was upstaged by the winner of the ‘strength’ award for 2023: Penny Mordaunt. As Lord President of the Privy Council, it was her job to hold a four foot, 8lbs, 17th century sword of state in front of her chest at an unnatural angle for a rather impressive 51 minutes.

The comeback kids award goes to the Rolling Stones who released their best single in decades with ‘Angry.’

Surprisingly the best band of all time, the Beatles, followed up the Stones' sterling effort by bagging the ‘underwhelming’ award, with their release of ‘Now and Then’ which was not released in the late 1970s as George deemed it to be ‘rubbish’. George wasn’t wrong.

The trip hazard award goes to sleepy Joe Biden. Lauded by the liberals upon taking office, the perennial hair sniffer has fallen over more often than a Tiscali internet connection and it will be only by the grace of God that he is still upright by the time this column goes to print.

We have lost many of the great and the good this year including everyone’s friend, Matthew Perry, Michael ‘Dumbledore’ Gambon, Pee Wee Paul Reubens, Sinead O’ Connor, the director with a name similar to a pork pie, Malcolm Mowbray, Jeff Beck, Glenda Jackson, Tina Turner, Martin Amis, Jerry Springer, Harry Belafonte, Len Goodman, Robbie Knievel, Lisa Marie Presley, Paul Cattermole, Raquel Welsh, Burt Bacharach, Barry Humphries, Shane McGowan and last but not least, the fragrant Paco Rabanne.

Unsure as to any individual who has truly performed exceptionally well in 2023, I therefore fall on my default of ‘football’ for the BEC 2023 person of the year award. As well as finally fulfilling his legacy by winning the World Cup at the back end of 2022, marred only by being forced to wear a Potter style cloak for the celebratory photos, Lionel Messi has continued, at the age of 36, to shine at Inter Miami as he walked off with his record-breaking eighth, and arguably final, Ballon d’Or award, thus cementing himself as the GOAT.

And so, it comes to pass. If you have read this, you have made it through another year, shorter of breath and one year closer to death, as we gear up for the unexpected and unpredictable in 2024. Life will continue to weave its great, and often unsavoury tapestry, as we go and put the kettle on and watch a rerun of Noel's House Party safe in the knowledge that things will slowly, but surely, only get better….won’t they?

  • Brett Ellis is a teacher